Codependency is a relationship pattern characterized by unhealthy attachment and an excessive reliance on other people for approval, identity, and a sense of self-worth. Codependents tend to focus heavily on relationships and the needs of others while neglecting their own needs and sacrificing their well-being in the process. This leads some to wonder if codependent behavior equates to controlling behavior in relationships.
What is codependency?
Codependency refers to a relationship dynamic in which a person’s sense of purpose and identity becomes entirely enmeshed with another person. Codependents have difficulty functioning independently in a relationship and tend to look outward for value, affirmation, and direction. Key characteristics of codependency include:
- Poor boundaries – Codependents have trouble knowing where they end and others begin. They become overly involved in other’s problems and lives.
- People pleasing – Codependents go to extreme lengths to gain approval and avoid rejection. Their own needs and feelings often get suppressed.
- Caretaking – Codependents feel compelled to rescue or fix people, even at the expense of their own well-being.
- Dependency – Codependents rely heavily on relationships for safety, stability, and self-esteem. The idea of being alone can feel terrifying.
- Loss of identity – Codependents lack a strong sense of self and base their identity largely around their relationships.
Many psychologists trace the origins of codependent patterns to childhood experiences, such as being raised in a dysfunctional family system or being parentified as a child. However, the road to codependency can involve many factors.
Signs of codependent behavior
There are a number of behavioral signs that indicate codependency in a relationship:
- Trying to control or manage other’s behaviors and choices
- Staying in harmful or abusive relationships
- Taking responsibility for other’s feelings and problems
- Having poor or no boundaries with others
- Feeling unable to end or leave a relationship
- Feeling empty, depressed, or anxious when alone
- Losing one’s sense of self in a relationship
- Struggling with addictions or compulsions
Codependents may also demonstrate thought patterns like:
- Black and white thinking about relationships
- Catastrophizing or fear abandonment if a relationship ends
- Idealizing partners and overlooking flaws
- Blaming themselves for problems in relationships
Are codependents controlling?
There are mixed views on whether codependent behavior equals controlling behavior. Some key perspectives:
Codependents can be controlling
Many experts argue that codependency can involve controlling behaviors in relationships, such as:
- Micromanaging a partner’s choices and life
- Making decisions for a partner or speaking over their voice
- Dictating how a partner should think, feel, or act
- Manipulating with guilt or shame
- Threatening to leave if their demands aren’t met
In this view, control is used as a way to alleviate the codependent person’s anxiety and feel a false sense of stability in the relationship. Controlling tactics may be either active/direct (telling a partner what to do) or passive/indirect (guilt trips, martyrdom).
Not all codependents are controlling
Others argue that while some codependents certainly do resort to controlling tactics, control is not intrinsic to codependency itself. Many codependents are receptive, passive, and compliant in relationships – the opposite of controlling.
Key points in this perspective:
- Codependents fear loss so they try to hold on, but this doesn’t necessarily mean they are controlling.
- Controlling behaviors stem from underlying shame, anger, and insecurity – not all codependents harbor those deeper issues.
- Codependency correlates with high agreeableness and conflict avoidance, the opposite of controlling tendencies.
- Some codependents exert control, while others are eager to please – it depends on the individual.
In this view, codependency does not automatically imply a need for control. The two may overlap in some cases, but are distinct relationship patterns.
Common controlling behaviors
When codependents do resort to controlling tactics, some common examples include:
1. Micromanaging
This involves regulating a partner’s behaviors, decisions, and routines in minute detail. For example, dictating what they wear, who they talk to, how they spend their time, etc. Micromanaging stems from anxiety about losing control.
2. Threats and ultimatums
Making threats to end the relationship or giving punishments if demands are not met. For instance, “If you go out with your friends tonight, I’m leaving.” This stems from fear of abandonment.
3. Undermining independence
Discouraging or interfering with a partner’s outside interests, friendships, career goals, or need for autonomy. For example, guilt-tripping them for spending time away. The aim is to maintain dependence.
4. Emotional control
Invalidating a partner’s feelings or pressuring them to think and feel certain ways. Saying things like “You’re too sensitive” or “You shouldn’t feel that way.” This exerts control over emotions.
5. Manipulation and guilt
Using shame, obligation, or emotional appeals to coerce certain behaviors. For instance, guilt trips, victim playing, feigning helplessness to force caretaking.
6. Possessiveness
Treating a partner like property that belongs to you. Wanting total access to and control over their time, relationships, and life. Stalking or interrogating them.
These behaviors can create an unhealthy power imbalance in relationships. The control helps codependents avoid perceived threats to the relationship, at least in the short-term. It provides a façade of stability.
Reasons codependents try to control
If a codependent does resort to controlling tactics, some of the key underlying motivations tend to include:
1. Fear of abandonment
Codependents are often terrified of loss. Controlling behaviors help create a sense of certainty about the relationship and hedge against abandonment.
2. Self-esteem issues
Codependents lack self-worth and rely on relationships for identity. Controlling helps construct a narrative where they are important, powerful, and indispensable to the partner.
3. Childhood issues
Being parentified as a child or growing up in a dysfunctional system can lead to control issues. It provides a sense of managing the chaos.
4. Lack of autonomy
Because they lack a strong identity, codependents try to compensate through control. It provides an illusion of autonomy and strength.
5. Anxiety and insecurity
Codependents struggle with profound anxiety when relationships seem unstable. Control helps mitigate that anxiety and provides a façade of security.
6. Attachment wounds
Insecure attachment can fuel relationship anxiety. Controlling behaviors about keeping closeness and preventing loss ward off feelings of fear and abandonment.
Is it abuse?
Controlling behaviors exist on a spectrum, from mild to severe. In some instances, controlling patterns in codependency can cross the line into psychological, emotional or verbal abuse. Signs it may be abuse include:
- Making threats to harm oneself if the partner leaves
- Stalking, harassing, or physically isolating a partner
- Monitoring a partner’s activities without consent
- Using jealousy and rage to justify controlling behavior
- Deciding things that are inappropriate to control, like food, sleep, finances
- Blaming the other person for “making” them control
- The control is trauma-bonded to cycles of abuse
A codependent’s intent may not be to abuse but to alleviate anxiety and feel connected. But impact matters more than intent when evaluating harm. Repeated controlling behaviors, especially when severe, constitute an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Overlapping with narcissism
In some instances, codependency overlaps with narcissistic relationship patterns, which can exacerbate controlling tendencies. Some key signs of overlap include:
- A grandiose sense of entitlement and superiority over the partner
- Lack of empathy for the partner’s needs and humanity
- Hypercriticalness or contempt for the partner’s flaws
- Fixation on status, power, control, and self-image
- Willingness to manipulate and exploit people for personal gain
- Admiration-seeking and thirst for external validation
When codependency and narcissism co-occur, the codependent’s caretaking behaviors help prop up the narcissist’s ego needs, while the narcissist’s controlling tactics keep the codependent trapped in the relationship.
Overlapping with anxiety
In other instances, codependent control links with anxious and avoidant attachment patterns. Key signs of overlap include:
- Intense fears of separation and abandonment
- Hypervigilance and suspicion about the relationship
- Excessive reassurance-seeking from the partner
- Jealousy, clinginess, and emotional volatility
- Compulsive caretaking behaviors
When codependency intersects with anxiety, the desperate attempts to control stem from profound fears of loss. But control just fuels greater anxiety about the relationship in the long run.
Is the control conscious or unconscious?
Experts also debate the extent to which codependents control consciously vs. unconsciously. Some perspectives:
- Codependents consciously choose controlling behaviors, even if the motivation stems from unconscious fears about the relationship. Their actions still impact the partner negatively.
- Most codependents aren’t aware of their controlling patterns. The behaviors stem from subconscious attachment fears and childhood conditioning.
- Controlling patterns likely involve a mix of conscious choices and unconscious motivations. There are layers of awareness.
- Assuming all control is conscious risks blaming the codependent inappropriately. Unconscious aspects should be considered.
In many cases, codependents may not recognize the extent of their control issues until the impacts are pointed out. This speaks to the unconscious dimensions at play – and the need for self-inquiry and honesty.
The impact on partners
What are some potential effects on partners of codependent control?
Feeling invalidated
Partners may feel unheard, disrespected, and invalidated by the controlling tactics. Their thoughts, values, and truths aren’t honored.
Loss of autonomy
The partner loses independence in the relationship. Their ability to make self-directed choices shrinks under the weight of control.
Self-esteem issues
Being micromanaged or manipulated erodes the partner’s confidence and sense of self-worth over time.
Guilt and confusion
Partners are likely to feel guilty and responsible for the codependent’s feelings. The control tactics blur lines of accountability.
withdrawal
In response to the control, partners may withdraw from the relationship and cut off emotionally as a form of self-protection.
Anxiety and resentment
The partner may grow anxious and/or resentful about having to constantly appease the codependent’s insecurity.
Enabling
Accepting chronic control can enable the codependent patterns to persist. Partners inadvertently help perpetuate the cycle.
In the long-term, chronic codependent control damages trust, connection, and intimacy in relationships. Partners feel dehumanized.
Breaking the codependent control cycle
If codependent control patterns are starting to dominate your relationship, here are some proactive steps:
For codependents:
- Seek help to understand your control issues and underlying motivations.
- Work on building your self-esteem outside of the relationship.
- Practice respecting your partner’s autonomy and setting healthy boundaries.
- Deal with fears of abandonment rather than controlling behaviors.
- Let go of attachments to certain relationship outcomes.
For partners:
- Communicate openly about the control dynamic in the relationship.
- Set clear boundaries around what types of control you won’t accept.
- Be aware of enabling patterns like people-pleasing or compliance.
- Prioritize your own self-care and pursue interests outside the relationship.
- Enforce consequences for continued controlling behaviors.
For couples:
- Seek counseling together to understand and change the control patterns.
- Discuss core fears and attachments driving the control issues.
- Practice shared decision-making and compromise vs. control.
- Focus on strengthening the genuine intimacy and trust in the relationship.
With self-awareness, commitment, and compassion, codependent control patterns can be overcome in favor of mutual understanding and respect.
Conclusion
In summary, codependent relationships can involve controlling behaviors in some instances. Motivations stem from fear of loss, insecurity, and childhood trauma. Controlling tactics can cross into emotional abuse without awareness. But codependency differs across individuals – not all codependents respond with control. With self-work and professional help, codependents can learn to manage their fears and build relationships based on true intimacy rather than control.