Avoidant attachment style is one of the three main attachment styles first proposed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth. The other two styles are secure and anxious. People with avoidant attachment tend to be emotionally distant in relationships and have difficulty with intimacy and dependence. This leads to the question – are avoidants insecure?
What is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory was first proposed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1960s. He suggested that the type of attachment formed in infancy affects relationships throughout life. Ainsworth expanded on this theory by identifying three main attachment styles:
- Secure – comfortable with intimacy, balance between dependence and independence
- Anxious – needy, worried about abandonment
- Avoidant – emotionally distant, difficulty depending on others
Attachment style is determined by interactions with early caregivers. Those who receive consistent love and care tend to develop secure attachment. Inconsistent care leads to insecure attachment styles like anxious or avoidant.
Characteristics of Avoidant Attachment
People with avoidant attachment tend to display the following characteristics:
- Discomfort with intimacy
- Desire for emotional distance
- Difficulty depending on others
- Tendency to withdraw under stress
- Suppression of emotions
- Reluctance to self-disclose
- Independence and self-reliance
Avoidants equate intimacy with loss of independence and tend to pull away when partners want more closeness. They are deeply uncomfortable expressing vulnerabilities and rely on themselves rather than others.
Are Avoidants Insecure?
The key question is whether avoidant attachment truly represents insecurity. There are several perspectives on this:
Perspective 1: Avoidants repress their needs due to childhood
This view suggests avoidants are deeply insecure on the inside. However, they learned as children to suppress their needs and avoid rejection by becoming self-reliant. Their distancing behaviors reflect a childhood strategy for dealing with unreliable caregivers.
Perspective 2: Avoidants have adapted successfully
This viewpoint contends that avoidants have adapted successfully to challenges in early life. Their self-sufficiency allows them to thrive without depending heavily on others. From this lens, avoidant attachment enables autonomy and quick recovery from breakups.
Perspective 3: Avoidance is context dependent
A third perspective argues that avoidance is not a fixed trait but varies depending on context. Even avoidants may display secure traits with certain partners they know extremely well. Their avoidance stems from lack of trust in unfamiliar situations or partners.
From this lens, avoidants are capable of secure functioning in the right circumstances when they feel safe enough to engage.
Are Avoidants Happier Alone?
One key question is whether avoidants are happier alone or with intimate partners. Research findings are mixed:
- Some studies show avoidants report less happiness with partners and do not benefit emotionally from relationships as much as secure people.
- However, other studies find that although avoidants desire less intimacy, they are not significantly less happy than secure people when in relationships.
- Avoidants may also adapt their expectations about relationships being fulfilling to match their independence.
Overall, avoidants may be just as satisfied as secure people in relationships if allowed sufficient autonomy. However, their satisfaction depends more heavily on lack of intimacy demands.
Do Avoidants Have Poorer Relationships?
Research indicates avoidant attachment style can lead to poorer romantic relationship quality in several ways:
- Less satisfaction and intimacy reported by both avoidants and their partners
- More frequent conflicts over intimacy needs
- Greater emotional distance and disengagement during conflict
- Higher rates of breakup and divorce
However, outcomes vary greatly depending on the partner’s attachment style. Avoidants paired with secure partners tend to have better relationships than those with anxious partners.
Avoidant-Anxious Relationships
The avoidant-anxious pairing tends to create a “pursuer-distancer” dynamic. The anxious partner pursues closeness while the avoidant partner distances. This fuels insecurity in the anxious partner and pushes the avoidant partner away further.
Avoidant-Secure Relationships
Secure partners provide a safe base from which avoidants can slowly open up at their own pace. Secure partners are able to dial back expressions of intimacy and dependence in order to make avoidants comfortable.
This highlights that avoidant attachment is not necessarily detrimental if partners adopt a sensitive, patient approach.
Do Avoidants Fear Intimacy?
Avoidants are commonly described as “fearful avoidant” suggesting they fear intimacy. However, some psychologists challenge this viewpoint. They argue:
- Avoidants do not actually fear intimacy itself, but rather fear dependence, engulfment, and loss of autonomy.
- Avoidants desire close relationships but on their own terms with adequate space.
From this perspective, avoidants do not fear intimacy per se. They become averse to intimacy that demands excessive closeness exceeding their comfort zone.
Are Avoidants Emotionally Unavailable?
Avoidants are sometimes described as “emotionally unavailable.” But does this accurately reflect their experience?
- Avoidants have emotions like everyone else. However, they are uncomfortable expressing or discussing them openly.
- Avoidants may desire emotional intimacy but have difficulty allowing themselves to be vulnerable.
- With trusted partners they can slowly open up over time at their own pace.
Therefore, emotional unavailability may not be an accurate description. “Conditional emotional availability” may be a better reflection of avoidants’ capability for intimacy when circumstances feel right.
Are Avoidants Unable to Commit?
Avoidants are renowned for their difficulty committing to partners long-term. However, avoidants exhibit wide variation in their commitment ability:
- Some avoidants maintain relationships for years and even marry despite their distancing tendencies.
- Other avoidants practice consistent emotional detachment and an unwillingness to commit.
- Avoidants with the most severe distancing patterns are more likely to remain single long-term.
While some avoidants are truly commitment-phobic, others are able to commit to varying degrees if given sufficient autonomy. Passionate avoidant-avoidant pairings are less stable than avoidant-secure pairings.
Can Avoidant Attachment Change?
Avoidant attachment has some tendency to persist throughout life. However, avoidants can become more secure in relationships through:
- Safe, patient romantic partners who allow them to open up slowly
- Therapy to address past wounds and reduce defensive distancing
- Changing cognitive patterns about the safety of intimacy
- Mindfulness and self-compassion approaches
With motivated effort, even more extreme forms of avoidance can be softened, allowing greater capacity for intimacy.
Conclusion
In conclusion, are avoidants truly insecure? The answer depends greatly on individual differences and context. Milder forms of avoidance do not necessarily constitute insecurity if they reflect an adaptive self-reliant strategy. However, more extreme forms of avoidance signal underlying insecurity about allowing intimacy.
While avoidant attachment poses relationship challenges, avoidants can become more secure over time under the right circumstances. With responsive, trusted partners they demonstrate greater capacity for intimacy than outward behaviors would suggest.